Number Eleven

There has been a recent drought of posts here of late. I could give you lame excuses but it boils down to it is summer time and the ol’ Crusty ER Tech is drinking cold microbrews and chasing women. Not nurses or anyone else that works in a hospital or on an ambulance. Although I have crossed this line often in the past I think the shit is just not worth the hassle. 

Today’s entry is not about dating and the perils of “seeing” someone from the job outside of work. We’re all adults here, for some folks it works for others meh, it does not work out so well.

So what to write about? Not that I have run out of shit to say after just eleven entries. Today I will talk about the dreaded “mandatory department meeting” that I had to attend a few weeks ago.

The “mandatory department meeting” in my experience in the past is a chance for the higher ups to get most of the department crammed in a room and tell us that we are a bunch of fuck ups.

It’s filled with a tinsy bit of a pat on the head at the beginning and then the verbal beatings begin. They pat themselves on the back as well “See we feed you” is always said. Feeding us consists of cold coffee and day old doughnuts and pastries bought at the discount rack in the local grocery store. 

Thanks for the hard bowel movement later on.

I now work in a very large urban emergency room.  The staff in this ER is larger than the staff in most of the surrounding hospitals. Yet management has yet to learn that when we have these “mandatory department meetings” that hey since we are a teaching hospital and have access to large auditoriums on campus that someone should reserve a large auditorium so we can at least be comfortable. Not crammed into a classroom that is barely big enough to fit 20 people in. It’s like cramming clowns into a car; a couple of charge nurses are outside acting like pushers in a subway. “Go in go in you have to hear all this important information!”  Meanwhile it’s SRO in this small classroom with folks pushed all the way up underneath the management types so much so that they are looking up their noses like the front seats in an old movie theater.

This meeting was a bit different. Yes, we were all crammed into a small classroom status quo there. And yes, we had the day old doughnuts and cold coffee in the back of the room. But now we are getting new buzzwords. “We are reintroducing a policy that we feel can be successful because it was not rolled properly in the past.” Another words they are trying that square wheel idea out again. They are rewording a policy to show that manglement (yes I spelled it right) is doing something and fuck it nothing else worked to get wait times down so we’ll bring back a broken square wheel and shove it down folks throats in hopes that maybe this version will work. 

Another word thrown around was said by a really high muckety muck “I want to promote a collegial atmosphere” Which I agree with to a point but sometimes folks need a kick in the ass. “Hey jack ass, watch what you’re doing you nearly killed the fucking patient” and “This patient look like shit on a stick” works tons better than “Please be aware of your surroundings, your actions could be detrimental to the patients outcome” and “This patient looks acutely ill and requires immediate attention” Say that horseshit in our ER and you’ll get a fucked up look and asked “What the fuck did you just say?!”

I get it they are trying to take the nasty edge off the place. It’s a kinder gentler face we are trying to put on the old large urban ER. Like my uncle from the Allegany mountains use to say “Son, you can’t polish a turd” and “Put lipstick on a pig it’s still a pig” 

So buzz words are becoming big now. Another thing that was introduced is a progress nurse. This nurse insures that flow (pushing patients through the system) is never held up or stopped. Another level of management was introduced too.  I won’t explain or show the algorithm to this management gerrymander because it will give away where I currently work. Let’s just say as a tech I thought I saw a lot of chiefs before walking around and not enough of us Indians now we will have 2-3 more management types in pissing matches with each other during the shift.  It effects me by having another 2-3 people telling me what I can and cannot do on top of a long list of nurses and a charge nurse as well AND the plethora of other players in the ER as well. 

In short my negative view of “mandatory meetings” is jaded by the usual pattern no matter where I have worked in the country.  This is how it works:

-Introduction. Told we are great. Minor pats on the head.

-Stale food and cold coffee is pointed out.

-Charge nurses push people into the small room/class room

-We are told we are a bunch of fuck ups.

-The mad search for the sign in sheet by ER staff. You MUST sign it or you’ll get a write  up. The meeting IS MANDATORY!
-This is how you are fucking up.
-Stop fucking up or else!
-The executive that was suppose to open this mandatory meeting, shows up 15-20 minutes late. Tells us we are great BUT he has a letter of complaint he/she wants to read to us.
-ER manager glares at entire department over this. 
-Exec leaves, gets at least one persons name wrong in the room despite that we are all wearing name badges.
-ER manager reminds us that we are fuck ups. Since we are fuck ups an old policy will be dragged back and flogged into paste and enforced to the nth degree.
-“And we mean it THIS time!” 
-Staff begins checking watches meeting is running a bit long.
-Dumb ass questions are asked about new/old policy by new staff. Usually new nurses or techs that have not learned to keep quiet.
-New old/policy questioned rehashed and reexplained.
-Staff begins to leave to “use the bath room”
-ER mangler realizes that the attention span of those in attendance has expired. Reminds everyone of stale food and cold coffee.
-Everyone leaves. Shift to be relived is pissed because this “short” meeting took 2 hours their 12 hour shift is now 14+ hrs long.
-ER manglement is heard to say "That was a good meeting, we made progress today."

 

So it goes in the common ER mandatory meeting. In the past I have openly questioned this wisdom. I have said “Why can’t we record or video it to play later on to whoever OR have like a teleconference so we can watch it from home” I am ignored of course because after all I am “just a tech”. The crusty one continues the job cynicism firmly entrenched into his soul.